But you CAN…
I stepped out onto the ledge and peered over 500 feet down into the canyon. We had completed our brief training that, in no way, could have prepared my heart for what I was about to do, and now it was time to zip-line over 1,800 feet to the other side. I. WAS. TERRIFIED. I had been zip-lining before, but that was nothing compared to this. This was the real deal. I couldn’t back out. I paid money for this. My family was cheering me on. How could I tell my kids to face their fears if I couldn’t face mine? I took a deep breath, stepped off the ledge, and soared at top speed over some of the most beautiful scenery I had ever witnessed. Within a few brief seconds, I was nearing the other side. I went through the “hand-braking” procedure in my head and braced for landing. I reached up for the rope above me and prepared to gracefully land on the zip-lining platform. What I wasn’t prepared for was the sheer force that was propelling me shooting my hand from the rope above and sending me into panic mode. I could hear the guides yelling at me, “Hand brake. Hand brake. Hand brake!”, but I was shaking so badly from my first attempt at braking that my arms felt like overcooked, wet noodles. I zipped past the braking platform, slammed into a padded post, then, in the worst scenario possible, was shot backward right back over the canyon where I was now dangling over rocks at 500 ft. I looked down, and for a brief moment, I thought my fate was sealed. I was going to fall to my death in front of my children and be splattered on the rocks below. I could hear the guides yelling at me, but nothing was registering. All I could think was, “I cannot do this”.
After dangling above death for a few seconds, I snapped out of complete panic and started to replay the steps we had gone over earlier that day. Still convinced that I physically could not do what was being shouted at me from the platform, I decided that if I was, in fact, going to die that day, I was at least going to die trying. I hoisted my entire body weight completely around, somehow managed to grab onto the rope above me, and slowly, hand over hand, pulled myself from over the canyon safely back onto the zip-lining platform where our guides were cheering along with my family.
I completed the rest of the course that day, still not completely grasping the hand-brake method, but successfully landing on each platform without being boomeranged back to my death. If I had to count the number of times that the voices in my head told me “I can’t” and just to give up, it would probably be well over 100. If I had to count the number of times I said back to those voices, “Okay, you win”, it would also be well over 100. But there was also a still small voice that whispered, “You can”, so I kept putting one foot in front of the other until I successfully completed all five challenges.
There have been so many times in my life when all the voices in my head were telling me “You can’t do this…”
When I got pregnant at fifteen years old. When my first husband left me with two kids and another one on the way. When my step-kids came to live with us full-time. When I found out my second husband of ten years cheated on me. When I decided to pursue my degree again. When I was offered the new position at work. When my husband took his own life. When God put it on my heart to share my story and write a book. When love crept back in after loss.
All of these times, and so many more, I was convinced that I couldn’t. That I wasn’t strong enough. That I wasn’t worthy. That I wasn’t capable. That I wasn’t deserving. But there was also this teeny-tiny cheering section that said, “What if you do!”, and so I did. I cannot imagine where I would be if I would have given into the negative narrative that told me I couldn’t.
I read a quote the other day that said, “God won’t order something on the menu that He can’t pay for.” If He puts something in your life or on your heart, He will see it through. Trust the process, remember your training, and get those CAN’TS out of your head, because you CAN!