Big GOAL Girl..

Yesterday was the first day in my office. I smashed the crap so bad out of my finger in the front door that I was fighting back tears when I passed my landlord on the stairs. “Who are you here for?” she didn’t recognize me. I hadn’t seen her since I signed my lease a couple of months ago.

“Oh, it’s Mandy… I’m here for… uhh… my office…” It finally clicked and she allowed me through.

I placed my bag on my empty desk and pulled out a completely soaked laptop, charger, notebook, and planner. Not knowing, my water bottle had spilled on the way over. I quickly moved to the bathroom trying not to make any noise (I share space with a few massage therapists and an attorney), drained my leather, water-filled bag in the sink, grabbed some supplies, and attempted to salvage my things.

With everything semi-dry, I hooked up my temporary hot spot and got ready to go to work….

If you think this is the part in the story where the devil sat down, you are wrong. He was just getting fired up! While the “working” symbol kept spinning, I thought “maybe I need to do some praying and journaling first?”.

So I closed my laptop (not like it was working anyway) and started to pray. I prayed the familiar words I’ve spoken to God over and over again about my message and my business, but beyond that, it was crickets... “Lord, this is not the time for a break… get back over here and tell me what’s next! Where’s the magic I had dreamt about for this day? Hello? Are you even listening?!?”

Nothing.

In a final attempt to have something productive come out of my first day, I pulled out my journal. Prior to today, I felt like the ideas had been coming so fast, that I couldn’t write them down quick enough. Today… nothing. It felt as though my head was hollow. Insert a ping-pong ball and get ready for hours of entertainment, because there’s nothing to stop the bouncing… Not. A. Thing.

I looked down at my phone. It had been a whopping hour and fifteen minutes. I doodled a flower on the blank page in front of me. Then I colored it in - only because, for today, defeat looked like leaving too soon. I could already picture passing my landlord again, “Taking off already?” To which I probably would have made up something in an attempt to not look like a complete failure.

It had been an hour and a half - you can’t say I didn’t try. I packed up my things in my wet bag and quietly snuck out the door.

Once back at home, the internet was no longer a problem, but my mindset was. I felt defeated. I felt like a failure. The self-talk was pretty brutal. I didn’t fight back either. Instead, I put it on and wore it around for the rest of the day - taking it out on my poor family (I apologized, okay?!?). I went to bed telling myself like I had so many times before that tomorrow was a new day and everything is fine, but my thoughts were spiraling - which is never a good thing. I drifted off only to be woken up at 2:30 am with the same thoughts flooding my mind. The imposter syndrome was coming at me hard and heavy.

Then, a verse popped into my head. It’s one of those verses that I don’t like to refer to much because it seems a bit “cliche” to me. You will know the one before I tell you. It was always featured in our church bulletins or on the big screen with a picture of runners getting ready to start a race, or on the back of your church sports team t-shirts. You do know it, don’t you?!? Yep, that’s it! Philippians 3:14 baby! “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

I probably rolled my eyes about then. Sorry, Lord.

Then, the single word, “GOAL” flashed across the screen that was my pitch-black bedroom at almost 3 am, and it made sense. Earlier in the day, I exchanged messages with an old family friend. He had said something that stood out to me, “It’s good to hear from someone who isn’t so heavenly minded that they aren’t any earthly good.” BAM! There it was. (and yes, that is the great lyrical genius, Johnny Cash!)

That had always been my GOAL! To show as many people as possible that My God loves everyone. He doesn’t discriminate or judge or hate. He doesn’t care about tattoos or even, yes even, if you say “shit” on occasion. He looks on the inside to see if the heart is genuinely “good” enough to take up residency there. He doesn’t care about the outside - it isn’t where he will spend his time. And somehow, I was able to get that message across to an old friend that had been unsure if Jesus was the one he wanted to continue to lean on.

My office has a long way to go before it looks like what I want it to. We are going to need some seriously strong wifi up in there. I might even need to sage the joint or bring in some crystals so satan knows who’s boss. But none of that really matters when you have a God that has taken up permanent residency in your soul. He goes with you everywhere - even to write a blog on the bathroom floor at 3 am.

And the prize? First, I know he hasn’t pulled out the big guns yet. But the prize comes when you see hope in someone’s life where you once saw nothing but pain and desperation. How do you know? Because not too long ago, that someone was you.

Blessings on Blessings,